How many of you have felt dejavu? How many of you have felt life come full circle? Well I have.
I am this beautiful stage of my life. Life for me has always been stages. Learning cycles as I used to call them. It used to sound cool and feel wonderful. A theory of my very own. Or should I say theories. At the very beginning, I wanted to be someone. I would not say what, but the appeal of becoming one has been overwhelming. I had spent a lot of time trying to become that. But the problem with that goal in life is the necessity for exposure. Forget that.
Later on in my life, one theory which I had was to become like a sponge. Soak in everyone's good qualities, reek out their negatives. It lead me to experiencing a plethora of people, good, bad and the ugly too. It was fun to do that. It made me see good things in everyone, forgetting others' bad qualities. But through this process, I looked into everyone and yet could not be one of them. I wanted to be all of them. A superset of everyone's good qualities.
The only thing bad about this was I lost myself. I could never ever find myself again. Almost as if my individual identity was lost. When I now look back at all of my lifetime (as yet), one thing is still common which is the first. After losing myself, I went through a tough phase in life. Lost all confidence in me, my abilities, became dependent.
Then the next stage came. I went through a process of rebuilding. Rebuilding my attitude, my character, my confidence. At the start it was tough, I had to actually push myself into saying it to myself that I am better than others. Even though it went against my fundamental character, I had to do it so that I could atleast salvage whatever was left of me. The process took time. It was much of an alone process. Think think think, all about myself. Eventually I lost track of my family, my loved ones. It became all about me.
Funny, one day it dawned on me that my life has become all about me. Me, Me, Me. Me too. (Couldn't help that). Shweta had become a very close friend of mine and she asked me some very troubling questions. I realized that I actually did not care about my family, their wellbeing. The ego in me had crushed my care for others. Again a rebuilding stage. Went through a very detailed phase wherein I changed from a self-centric to an others-centric person. Started caring about family and loved ones a lot. Actually to a point of self-destruction. Well the correct word instead of "actually" would be "precisely". I had fallen in love with Shweta, cared for my Mom a lot. Life was beautiful.
Now I am a cross-roads in life. There was also a stage in my life wherein I was spiritually inclined. As I said I am lost fool. I could not even find happiness and contentment in that. My wavering thought process never allowed me to settle into it. I was always in a state of passion. So never could sit down and do malas or japa. My thought process was a bit rogue. I believe in having an individual and special relationship with God, with Krishna. Possibly He thought that I am too big a fool to be considered special, to be kept in His constant control. I realized later that it was not His choice, but my mistake. It was supposed to be my choice. It was supposed to be my yearning for Him that would create that special relationship. But as I said, I am too big an egoistic fool to realize that.
Today the problem is I have again lost myself. But this time, I know it much better. I have been the damn egoistic maniac to not learn the things the easy way, but the hard way. So I am still going to deal with my problems my way, not any other person's way.
I have been wanting to make this step for a long time, never ever went through an event so profound to commit to it. But I think now I have gone through one.
It is time for me to make one more change. It is time for a balanced approach. It is necessary for me to understand myself first and then others. It is important for me to understand myself in detail. As the protagonist does in the book "The Alchemist", I need to listen to my heart.
From today onwards, I want to do the following:
1.) Shut up and listen.
2.) Listen to my heart and understand myself.
3.) Listen to others and understand their natures in full extent, so that you can predict them in detail.
4.) Let go of everything and everyone that you consider as a part of your life. Reach out to them as if you are meeting them afresh, a new start, a new beginning.
5.) Sit back and see how many people come back to you.
6.) Start taking care of yourself.
7.) Go quiet.
8.) Break people.
9.) Dont get attached to anyone except Krishna.
10.) Get free.
I am going to continously update this list as and when I see fit. I need to follow these things in detail or else I am doomed. I now feels like a combination of all the previous steps. Try and emulate a spiritually aware and fully spiritually conscious person. That is the ultimate goal. Try and observe other people, understand their qualities, understand their nature, their behaviour. It would lead you to appreciate them better, and more importantly, not feel surprised, dejected, helpless, frustated, etc etc etc with them. I need to try and achieve my goal in life. I need to change, change quick for the benefit of myself and for others too.
John Cena has this in his title song "Your time is up. My time is now. You can't see me. My time is now." Heard it so many times, liked the ring of it. Now it is about time to implement it too.
Well, before I finish this blog, just got one thing to say "My time is now.".
How many of you have felt drawn to a dream but haven't been able to fulfill it? See it flit away right in front of your eyes? Have felt the pangs of pain, sadness when you realize that if only I would have just followed my heart and tried? Losing a dream out of maybe laziness or maybe uncertainty or maybe out of pure sheer inability or inadequate resources to achieve the dream?
Well for me, it has all these reasons together which made me lose my dream. For starters, a brief background of my circumstances. I work in a good reputed IT MNC Company. I own a i10 and just recently I have purchased a 2 BHK flat on loan basis. My salary package is good enough for the loan EMI cut, but just about enough. After all deductions and other expenses, I would be living a hand-to-mouth expenses for the next few months till my salary package improves. So no more frivolous expenses, no expensive purchases, anything. I seemed to have made up my mind about it and gotten ready for the grind, but then it happened.
I love cars. I like the feel of the machine, the powerful grunt of the engine when I floor the accelerator. I like the squeal of the brakes and the tyres when I drop from a fast 60-80 kmph to a mere 20 kmph. I love the short gear shifts of my car which allows me to cycle through the gears at rapid pace. I have loved all the racing movies like 'Days of Thunder', all parts of 'Fast and Furious'. My favourite Computer Game has been 'Need for Speed' and it has recieved unrivalled attentiona and practise from me. TO let you all onto a small secret, I actually broke a joystick racing on 'Need for Speed II'.
My fetish with cars has grown stronger over the last few years, from the release of 'Fast and Furious' movies, the umpteen releases of 'Need for Speed'. But this fetish reached a new high when I played 'Need for Speed Underground'. The game, as all know, has the great feature of customizing cars, right from fenders, exhausts, multiple layers of car paints, custom graphics, car hoods, engine upgrades, blah, blah, blah. I played the game for weeks, unrelentleesly pounding the keyboard controlls, doing a mid town dash, or a drift through one of many curved roads. Loved the game. But after winning all the tracks, all the championships races and the final Grand Champion title, the thing that stuck to me was the Car Customization possible. This led me to enjoy shows like 'Pimp my Car' and 'Street Customs' on the TV channel 'Travel and Living'. I loved the crazy ideas being implemented, all the beautiful color combinations and the graphics, converting old relics to big bad slugs. And yes beautiful ones too. One of the things which I want on my car is a bright yellow color and two pitch black pin stripes running down from the boot to the hood. Possibly want a NO2 powered engine too but well that's for later. But my current car is a simple i10. Not much ground to play on.
And then I saw it, the baby of my dreams. It is, but now sadly it was, a two seater car. Very low in terms of ground clearance, maybe a problem in terms of slow speeds and bumpy roads but should be an advantage when I would love to rip the machine through nerve crushing speeds. A dark navy blue color job, accentuated with a few 'BMW' and other manufacturers graphics lines. Nice Mag Wheels. The ideal car to customize. It lay in a garage, I think ready for a makeover. I used to dream about it a lot. Possibly get a great paint job, fix up the engine, put on a nice music system. Go on a nice date with my girlfriend, play nice romantic songs and cruise at a nice 40-60 kmph. Just languish and soak in the good times. Love the looks of adulation and silent, mute praise.
But alas. It is not to be. On the day before yesterday, as always, I tried to get a glance on my dream car languishing in the garage. But I could see it. Yesterday morning, I looked carefully at the garage and well I could not see the car. It was gone. Gone. For heaven's sake. How could it? Where did it go? Oh God. I had lost my dream car. I had stared at it for so long, just dreaming about it, but doing nothing to realize the dream. Not even once enquiring about it. Well when I thought about it later, I may be a combination of both laziness and circumstances. I could have enquried about it had I been sure that I had the required financial resources to buy it. But the home loan requires me to have a good solid financial backing. And it removes all consideration for the frivolous spending. The car seemed to be like a un-necessary expense considering that I already own a car.
When I look back at this, it pains. It saddens me, disappoints me. So many people have riches abound, many having dozens of cars at their disposal and choice. Why not me? But what is the percentage of these rich people? 15-20 percent, maybe? What about the rest? Many people live a hand-to-mouth life even for the basic necessities of food, clothing and shelter. I am not at that level. My basics are on solid ground. When other people have to care about the basics for the next day, I am assured of them with a good job. I dont need to cry about such petty things. Yes I lost a dream, yet still got many years to achieve it.
The only time you lose is when you stop dreaming, the time when you stop following your dreams. A couple of weeks back, I read Paulo Coelho's 'The Alchemist'. Beautiful book. And it re-inforces the same virtue. It has a beautiful line 'Life really is generous to those who pursue their destiny'. And your destiny is what you dream of, what you wish to happen. As far as I understand, destiny is not written in your hands, the lines with which you are born. But it is the lines that you change when you work hard towards a cause, a dream. That is what will shape your destiny.
Well, before I finish this blog, just got one thing to say (as one of my sisters once said to me), "GO FOR IT, TIGER".
How many of you have ever felt happiness, satisfaction, contentment after you lose? How many of you have walked upto the victor to have a jolly good chat and compliment him/her on the victory?
Yesterday I felt these feelings. In this largely materialistic world, where selfishness and ego is the way of life, it is hardly possible to accept defeat. Much easier to celebrate a victory, but difficult to accept defeat with dignity. And yet, yesterday was a day when I felt happy in defeat.
I play TT (Table Tennis) a lot. What started off as a great stressbuster, has now become an obession. You see different facets of the game. Understand your opponents' games. There is a need to adapt to each opponent's playing style and strategy. And it is always feels great when you end up as the victor. The exhilaration, the frequent "Come on" cries when you miss a shot, the required "Fight" motivation calls to yourself when you are playing sloppy or losing a game, and the muted but equally vocal Fist pumping when you hit a winner shot.
Yesterday night, after the office day's horrendous grind, I needed the stress release. I went upstairs to the sixth floor of my office wherein the recreation room is set. A few players were playing. I awaited my turn for single game. I knew all the players playing there. I was confident that I could defeat all of them and continue playing since we were playing 'Winner to stay'. At the same time, Prakash Shetake was playing carrom with his friend. I had met his friend before too, we had been introduced, but as usual, I had forgotten his name. As fate would later dictate, his name would remain etched in my mind for a long long time. His name is Gaurav.
I had my one singles game which I won easily. And then, Gaurav asked if we could play doubles. Everyone was fine with it. And we started. I was shocked to see Gaurav's technique. He uses the 'Pen Grip' technique. And the finesse of his technique is beautiful. His backhand is a cannon. He gets great top spin on his forehand shots. All in all a complete package. A all-round game and performance. We played two games as partners and won both comfortably. After that I asked to change partners. I wanted to play against Gaurav. And was I impressed. His returns from the backend were like blazing bullets and his forehand returns had heavy top spin. I had to understand his shot selection. Even after that, the speed and spin had to be countered. A pretty uphill task that. I could return a few returns which had some heavy top spin. Had to allow the spin to roll away before I could return and that too onto the table. And it was mightily satisfying. Lost more, won less. But it was a treat for watch him play from both sides, as a partner and as an opponent. A real gem of a player. Later on, I played two single against him. Lost the first tamely, lost the second at a respectable 21-16. But loved the games.
The reason why I felt so urged to write this blog was the simple fact that I found a worthy opponent. I have been playing for a long time and by now I have understood many peoples' games. Have been able to strategize and outplay others. For me, the exhilaration lies in the fact that I have been outplayed easily. It just illustrates the fact that I can improve more, play better. One more milestone to be reached in the improvement process. When you start winning easily against others, you sort of slacken off. When you meet someone who outplays you, you are awoken from your slumber. I had the same done to me. It removes the rust, the mental cobwebs, sharpens your attention, your thoughts. It is not just about TT, but about everything else. Finding someone worth emulating fuels the need to improve. You see these as steps, improve till the point you are on the same level as the other. And then you choose someone else to emulate. If this becomes a sustained process, improvement is guaranteed.
Well, before I finish this blog, just got one thing to say "GAME ON".