How many of you have felt dejavu? How many of you have felt life come full circle? Well I have.
I am this beautiful stage of my life. Life for me has always been stages. Learning cycles as I used to call them. It used to sound cool and feel wonderful. A theory of my very own. Or should I say theories. At the very beginning, I wanted to be someone. I would not say what, but the appeal of becoming one has been overwhelming. I had spent a lot of time trying to become that. But the problem with that goal in life is the necessity for exposure. Forget that.
Later on in my life, one theory which I had was to become like a sponge. Soak in everyone's good qualities, reek out their negatives. It lead me to experiencing a plethora of people, good, bad and the ugly too. It was fun to do that. It made me see good things in everyone, forgetting others' bad qualities. But through this process, I looked into everyone and yet could not be one of them. I wanted to be all of them. A superset of everyone's good qualities.
The only thing bad about this was I lost myself. I could never ever find myself again. Almost as if my individual identity was lost. When I now look back at all of my lifetime (as yet), one thing is still common which is the first. After losing myself, I went through a tough phase in life. Lost all confidence in me, my abilities, became dependent.
Then the next stage came. I went through a process of rebuilding. Rebuilding my attitude, my character, my confidence. At the start it was tough, I had to actually push myself into saying it to myself that I am better than others. Even though it went against my fundamental character, I had to do it so that I could atleast salvage whatever was left of me. The process took time. It was much of an alone process. Think think think, all about myself. Eventually I lost track of my family, my loved ones. It became all about me.
Funny, one day it dawned on me that my life has become all about me. Me, Me, Me. Me too. (Couldn't help that). Shweta had become a very close friend of mine and she asked me some very troubling questions. I realized that I actually did not care about my family, their wellbeing. The ego in me had crushed my care for others. Again a rebuilding stage. Went through a very detailed phase wherein I changed from a self-centric to an others-centric person. Started caring about family and loved ones a lot. Actually to a point of self-destruction. Well the correct word instead of "actually" would be "precisely". I had fallen in love with Shweta, cared for my Mom a lot. Life was beautiful.
Now I am a cross-roads in life. There was also a stage in my life wherein I was spiritually inclined. As I said I am lost fool. I could not even find happiness and contentment in that. My wavering thought process never allowed me to settle into it. I was always in a state of passion. So never could sit down and do malas or japa. My thought process was a bit rogue. I believe in having an individual and special relationship with God, with Krishna. Possibly He thought that I am too big a fool to be considered special, to be kept in His constant control. I realized later that it was not His choice, but my mistake. It was supposed to be my choice. It was supposed to be my yearning for Him that would create that special relationship. But as I said, I am too big an egoistic fool to realize that.
Today the problem is I have again lost myself. But this time, I know it much better. I have been the damn egoistic maniac to not learn the things the easy way, but the hard way. So I am still going to deal with my problems my way, not any other person's way.
I have been wanting to make this step for a long time, never ever went through an event so profound to commit to it. But I think now I have gone through one.
It is time for me to make one more change. It is time for a balanced approach. It is necessary for me to understand myself first and then others. It is important for me to understand myself in detail. As the protagonist does in the book "The Alchemist", I need to listen to my heart.
From today onwards, I want to do the following:
1.) Shut up and listen.
2.) Listen to my heart and understand myself.
3.) Listen to others and understand their natures in full extent, so that you can predict them in detail.
4.) Let go of everything and everyone that you consider as a part of your life. Reach out to them as if you are meeting them afresh, a new start, a new beginning.
5.) Sit back and see how many people come back to you.
6.) Start taking care of yourself.
7.) Go quiet.
8.) Break people.
9.) Dont get attached to anyone except Krishna.
10.) Get free.
I am going to continously update this list as and when I see fit. I need to follow these things in detail or else I am doomed. I now feels like a combination of all the previous steps. Try and emulate a spiritually aware and fully spiritually conscious person. That is the ultimate goal. Try and observe other people, understand their qualities, understand their nature, their behaviour. It would lead you to appreciate them better, and more importantly, not feel surprised, dejected, helpless, frustated, etc etc etc with them. I need to try and achieve my goal in life. I need to change, change quick for the benefit of myself and for others too.
John Cena has this in his title song "Your time is up. My time is now. You can't see me. My time is now." Heard it so many times, liked the ring of it. Now it is about time to implement it too.
Well, before I finish this blog, just got one thing to say "My time is now.".
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